Monday 3 November 2008


Martina McBride - Concrete Angel (Grammy's)

[via FoxyTunes / Martina McBride]


I remember telling all my friends that I had a job and I was leaving for Spain to work as an aupair. It was now 1979 we were looking forward to leaving my god-forsaken life behind. I was 16 and when I look back through my childhood I didn’t have many friends for a number of reasons. I was moved from School to School from the age of 11 and had now been to 4 different High Schools. I had also had whooping cough at 15 and been hospitalised with suspected TB and spent a couple of months in isolation ward in the LGI which had left me with a weak chest.

I missed loads of school because of the whooping Cough and with the bullying too I didn’t really want to go to school. I remember the truant officer coming to the house once mum was at work and I had to sit down and explain because of my illness I couldn’t go to school in-between barking like a dog most of the time and the upset of my family life and the fear that those two girls would be waiting for me every night was all too much. I never told my mum about the girls but my sisters knew not that they cared I would go to the point of saying my step monster of a sister and my other sister were actually friends with these girls and never tried to ask them to stop. As long as it wasn’t them then it was ok. Sisterly love has brought another new meaning to me and it definitely didn’t exist in my family. More like dog eat dog and look after number one. Have my sisters hated me all my life maybe yes because my mum was never there I suppose I became the mother figure and they maybe resented me for it. I suppose I used to take it out on them for the life I had. Never being aloud out to play, I can never remember having a friend in the house, I can never remember having a birthday party and I can never remember being loved.

I remember my exams coming up before I left school and was really scared I was going to leave school with no exams at all. I decided I was going to try so I bought a second hand tape recorder and about a dozen tapes from my baby-sitting money.

I then borrowed girl’s books from school that she had had for the past two years and sat in my bedroom at night alone and read the books into the microphone. At night I used to play these tapes over and over again this is how I learned my schoolwork. I would lie in bed and sometimes fall asleep with the headphones playing. From listening to the tapes I started to love history I listened all about the first and Second World War, the Crimean war and the Tudors. I loved history. English literature I read books into tapes and would listen to them I now knew to kill a mocking bird off by heart and I got hold of a copy of Under milk wood by Dylan Thomas and used to listen to Richard Burtons Welsh accent tell a wonderful story.

Because I wasn’t aloud out much I didn’t really mix with other kids so when I wasn’t working on my school work I read books I read Gulliver’s travels, Little women, Jayne Eyre, All of the James Herriot books. I used to read most days and tried to get my hands on any book I could. I was happy to be alone in my bedroom reading most of the time. The scary books were James Herbert’s the rats and the lair I used to go under the covers with a torch and scare my self that much I used to pull the covers tightly over my head so I could hardly breath and occasionally had to come out for air only to quickly go back under the covers because I thought someone was going to get me.

I am quiet shocked to say my mum actually had a leaving party for me in a local pub and remember getting absolutely pissed out of my head on Vodka and Orange and Larger and black and shall I say I have never drunk any of them again. I was that drunk I vomited pink vomit and it put me off for life. I know 16 underage drinking but I was leaving my life and I deserved a little fun. I had mixed emotions. One was I was free, another I was scared, and another what would now happen to my next sister down would she have to take over where I left off. Being the Mother because the real mother was working all day and going out every night. Its funny I remember her screaming at me one night saying she had to go out because she had me at 16 and then the other kids been in two bad marriages and it was now her turn to have a life.

I remember going to the airport I was flying to Barcelona where my new family would meet me. The woman was English and called Jaquiline the husband was called Mario and he was half Spanish and half Italian they had been married two years and she had just had a baby boy called Alexandra and they lived with Mario’s mother Senora Maria who was about 87. Jacqueline was 27 and actually from Hull her father was a captain of a ship and that’s why I had gone to hull for the interview she had come to England to have the baby so it had an English passport and to find an English speaking aupair. The idea was the I would speak to the baby in English, Jacqueline would speak to the baby in Catalan, Mario would speak to the baby in Italian and Senora Maria would speak to the baby in Spanish she was from Valencia so it was the Old Spanish dialect. I remember thinking this child would speak 5 languages and would it work how could a baby understand all this but who was I. I was employed to clean the house and look after the baby with senora Maria while Jacqueline and Mario went out to work. I found it confusing because Mario was a millionaire an Italian Furniture designer. They had six houses, a yaught, 2 Porsches a jeep for the beach and a seat, which is a little Spanish car to do the shopping in when we were in Barcelona.

I remember getting off the plain in Barcelona and looking around and couldn’t believe all the guards at the airport were holding what looked like machine guns Jacqueline was there to meet me with her mum and dad who had come over for a week to spend time with their new grandson and meet me. We set off for Santa Maria, which was just outside Lorret where they had a huge bungalow where we were going to stay for the summer. I remember driving down a long hill and pulled unto a bright yellow bungalow it was roasting hot and I couldn’t breathe.

Waiting for me was Mario and his mother Senora Maria boy at 16 she sure did look old and I didn’t know then her and Jacqueline were going to treat me as they did. The old lady didn’t speak a word of English and I had to respect her because she was the mamma of the family. I was shown my room I was quiet shocked it was a room I wasn’t expecting I was led into the garage and there was a set of steps up to a tiny little room. This room had a single bed a chest of drawers and a wardrobe in it. Then there was a partition where there was a toilet and a shower. The walls were painted white as were all Spanish homes just concrete no wallpaper and a few pictures on the wall

I was in shock had I jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. These people were rich and I had a room in a garage. I now realised I was basically a maid and a slave.
They asked me if I wanted to ring my mum to let her know I had got there safely I said yes I remember telling my mum on the phone it was lovely I didn’t want to tell her I was in a garage. I didn’t want to go back to my old life I thought give it a try it could be ok. I was then given instructions on what was required of me I had to get up at 6.30 every morning and put the coffee pot on it was one of those pots where you screw the top off the middle put the water in the bottom then add the coffee and put it on the stove to heat. I had to wear like a maids outfit a black tunic type thing with a white apron. My god it was like something I had read in a book was this my life now. Yes I was going to live or sort of live in beautiful homes but sleep in tiny boxes at night and be alone no friends anyone except this family.

The house was beautiful full or art and designer furniture the floors were all tiles and I remember we had a real ant problem I used to have to go out on to the veranda every morning and swill the ants off with a hose then sprinkle some stuff down to try and stop them coming in the house. I was told I was aloud one afternoon off a week to go to the beach. The beach was just down the hill and it was private for the residents of the street. I remember the first time I went I pushed Alexandra down the hill in the pram he was covered in sun cream and really protected from the sun. It was magnificent it was like a hidden cove big cliffs on each side and then the blue ocean and a beach that looked like it had been bleached was this Paradise.

Everyday I cleaned the house picked up the clothes off the floor polished and rubbed mirrors until they shinned. It was hard most of the days I was alone in the house with senora Maria she did all the cooking and had a dog it was like a sheep dog cross she used to beat that dog most every day and I wanted to cry she was so cruel to it.

Then language barrier was a problem and this is when the beating started I used to find it hard communicating with her and she used to scream at me in Spanish because I couldn’t understand her. She used to hit me with the frying pan and shout at me LA MESA, which meant the table, and then she would hit me again and say LA SILLA the chair. I was basically being treated the same as the dog. She wouldn’t try to meet me half way. I was alone in the house with this woman from 8am in the morning until 8pm at night. At night when Mario and Jacqueline came home she would start babbling in Spanish to them then they would pull me to one side and say you must respect senora Maria she is the head of the family and you must try to learn Spanish. But I was that was when I wasn’t scrubbing floors and looking after Alex. She was his grandmother but I used to love it when she went down for her afternoon nap I would sit in the nursery and play with Alex.

As time went by Alex grew very fond of me you could see he loved me he used to hold out his hands for me to pick him up. This alone caused other problems. It was now the End of summer and we were moving to the next house again, which was a penthouse right in the middle of Platha Catalonia, which is a famous square/roundabout in Barcelona. Mario had just taken a delivery of a new Porsche it was lime green and was supposed to be 4 seats but I would have called it 2 I remember getting in the back in a tight cramped space with senora Maria, she had Alex on her knee me next to her and Mario and Jackie in the front and we closed the house up and drown to Barcelona at a tremendous speed.

In Barcelona we lived on the top floor of an apartment block that had a guard on the door so no outsiders could enter the building without being unannounced. Here I was allowed out on Tuesdays and Thursdays 5pm in the afternoon until 9pm I had to be back bang on 9pm get changed quickly and then set the table for dinner. They never had their evening meal until 10pm at night then I would work until I had finished washing up after dinner which most nights was about 1am in the morning that’s after they used to sit there and I would pour the cognac into the glasses put out the cheese board and know that the meal was nearly finished. Most nights they would entertain and I would have to don my little black number that came down below my knees and looked like a black sack and my little white piny.

It was here things got really bad for me Jacqueline started pulling me up on the tiniest things and never stopped on at me the glass has smudges the balcony wasn’t clean the problem there was I have always been scared of heights and they used to make me go out there 12 floors up with the busy bustling road below and polish the bars. I was terrified and tried not to do it I sometimes wish I could have just thrown a bucket of water on them but being 12 floors up would have no doubt drowned someone on the path below. My Spanish was coming on and I only now occasionally got a whack with the frying pan and Alex and I were growing fonder of each other because his parents were out all day it was like he was mine. But senora Maria used to snatch him out of my arms and tell me to work and she would look after him but she was frail and got tired easily and that suited me fine.

My other problem was Jacqueline started to resent me I remember one night we were all sat in the room and Alex was crying and Jacqueline picked him up and he still kept crying he was holding his arms out for me. I could see the resentment on her face what did she expect she was never there except a couple of hours before the kid went to bed I was with him everyday all day. Mario said something to her and she passed me Alex and I grabbed him and he stopped crying. This was something else for her to hate me for. You have to remember too I was a young girl too and maybe she also felt threatened by me. Mario was a lovely man even though he was 54 he used to treat me nicely and many occasions he would pull me to one side and say try to do your jobs right and stay out of their way I have seen how they treat you but they are my family and I must stand by my family. So I knew then he had been watching and knew what was going on but he wasn’t going to help me. I know there had been some discussions about me at night I had heard shouting and my name being mentioned when I was in my room. Again this room was like a cupboard they had converted off the kitchen so I had to come out on a morning and fall straight into the kitchen so I had no release from it.

My dad used to ring me from Germany and my Mum Occasionally used to ring. I remember having the courage to tell my mum that I was unhappy on the phone once and she just said for god sake cant you just get on with it cant be that bad. But I also had to be careful because when I was on the phone one of them was always close by so I could never tell them how it really was.

When I used to go out on Tuesdays and Thursdays I used to go into a little cafĂ© down near la ramblers here I met Paco a lovely boy he was 22 and from Portugal we became really good friends and then lovers I used to tell him how I was being treated and how I hated it there. He didn’t speak English either but buy now my Spanish was enough to be understood. We saw each other twice a week for the 4hours and it was really nice we went to the disco together used to walk round Barcelona holding hands and I would go to his flat and eat there with him.

Then the winter came and Jacqueline said we now move again for winter to go skiing at the weekends. The house is in the mountains in a small village called Berge not far from Montserrat That weekend we set off for the mountains away from the bustling city of Barcelona I remember the long winding roads and getting to Montserrat I have never seen anything like it. It was like a mountain with a Monastery right at the top it also had one of those trolley carts that could take you to the top.

Jacqueline explained to me that Monks built it years ago and they had used only donkeys to climb it to build the Monastery when you look at it you cant imagine how anyone got up there Apparently now it is a restaurant. We carried on driving and eventually came to the village of Berge Jacqueline then told me this was a military village and was the closest village to the house and here I would not be aloud to have any free time because it was a village full of young Spanish men. Ok I thought trapped again. We then left the village and started to climb I couldn’t believe it.

We were driving through a forest the trees were like the ones they have in Canada cant remember the names you know the ones that are about 40 foot high it looked unbelievable. The house was up the mountain on the edge of the cliff. We arrived and when I went inside it was amazing inside everything was black and white all the carpets where white and all the furniture was furniture that Mario had designed it was like black Perspex all I could think of was my god how am I going to clean that it would take me hours. The living room was on the top floor and a huge window covering the hole of the outside wall looked over the village of Berge. It was like something you would see in a movie or Brad pits house or something. The view was breathtaking.

How the rich lived I was in awe but white carpets I was petrified no shoes aloud in the house of course. No rest for the wicked as soon as we arrived Jacqueline said I had to open the windows of each room and air the rooms and then go round dusting and cleaning, which I did it took me hours and that night I collapsed into bed about 1am.
I was now 17 and exhausted I felt like I had been working for about 10years and only been with this family since June

I was trapped here until Christmas time when they said they go back to Barcelona and spend Christmas there. My life there was get up clean the house wait on them at dinner and occasionally I got to hold Alex because Jacqueline had now become very jealous of my relationship with her son she had told me that she and Senora Maria would now watch Alex and I just had to clean and be the maid.

Christmas was coming and we were not going to close the house up one because the weather gets pretty bad up there and you can get trapped in when the snow comes and two parties and dinner parties in Barcelona must have been high on their agenda. Jacqueline had told me I could go home to England for two weeks at Christmas and they would pay for the flights. It was strange I had tried to get away from home for years and now being treated basically as a slave I was glad to go home. Here was a chance to tell my mother I hated it and they were not treating me well but how could I everyone thought I was having a wonderful time. Jacqueline used to tell my mum on the phone I was fine, every time I made a phone call home she stood in the kitchen listening to what I said and I felt like a prisoner that had just got two weeks leave.

Friday 31 October 2008


Sin City - Cry little sister - Gerard McMann!

[via FoxyTunes / Gerard McMann]


The night they found my son in Manchester is still raw in my mind even though it’s been four years now. It was about 8pm in the evening when I received a phone call saying that the police had found him. There had been a tip off by someone that my son was in a bungalow in Manchester. The Police acted on the tip off and managed to do a raid on the property and found my son inside. Apparently I was told that there were other children in the house besides my son. But I believe these children were over the age of sixteen and there were a brother and sister in the house too.

Raymond Colin Hawthorne was apparently a well-known Pimp in the Manchester area and was known for having children working and living with him. I believe my son was kept in a room in a bungalow in Manchester where he slept the nights on a mattress on the floor in a small room along with others. He was given drugs and alcohol to keep him subdued and threatened with death and also our lives were threatened to keep him there. Raymond Colin Hawthorne made suggestions to my son that if he tried to escape someone would find me.

When the police told me they had found him I was overjoyed for a split second that he was alive and safe. But then my heart sank I started to panic I didn’t know what condition he was in? Whether he was well? If they had fed, looked after him or what or even how abused my son was?

The police said they had to question him so I wasn’t aloud to go to see him yet and could I please wait for a phone call for when to set off the Manchester.

I was in Leeds so I had a long drive down the M62. I told my husband what they had said and I paced up and down the room smoked about 40 cigarettes waiting for the phone call. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
What was I going to say to him? What was he going to say to me? How do I react with him? My head was just a fuzzy mess I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be ok and he was safe and we would get through this. It was something like you watch on a movie and even now I think back it seems to be surreal and I can see my self and it all happening in slow motion.

Eventually the phone call came about 1am in the Morning. It was a policeman on the phone who gave me directions to a Police Station in Manchester where they were holding my son.

I got in the Car I still don’t know why my Husband didn’t come with me or even say he would come for support. But he didn’t, I drove like a mad woman towards the M62. I think back now if the Police had pulled me for speeding I wouldn’t have been able to deny it and I wouldn’t have really wanted to explain it. I remember it was cold as I drove in the Dark past Bradford then headed for Huddersfield, Halifax towards Manchester. Its then you start to climb a big hill where there’s a sign telling you this is the highest road in Britain. There is a farm right slap bang in the middle of the M62 where I believe the farmer refused to leave when the road was being built. I don’t think he actually lives there because there were no lights on at the house just pitch black it was as black as coal up there on the road. I thought there would have been a lot more traffic on the road but then again it was now about half past one in the morning and I was still driving like a mad woman. Luckily I had a sat I nav to help me try to find this police station otherwise I wouldn’t have had a clue where I was going.

I remember the sat nave took my down a long winding road and then on the left hand side there was a building which said police station. There was only one problem it was in pitch darkness. I pulled into the car park and got out of the car everything was dark the place looked empty. I started to panic and didn’t know what to do I was now alone in the dark in the middle of Manchester and trying to find my son. I had my mobile on me and telephoned the police I then had to explain to them my situation and was told to hold the line. A couple of minutes later I was told my son was at another police station at the other side of Manchester.

I am angry a little now that I was to do this on my own, no police woman or man was there to help me My son had just been found after a nationwide investigation and I his mother was alone in the dark and so scared. No one even offered to come with me I am full of anger because I should have been given some kind of support as to how to react around him, how to speak to him and some one to help me even breath properly.

Again I had to drive in the dark across the other side of Manchester to another police station where they had him. I arrived in the dark it looked like it wasn’t a very nice part of Manchester and had to drive into a car park. I slowly got out of the car and walked towards the door. There was a policeman on reception and I said I am here for my son, he then proceeded to take me to a room and told me to wait in here and someone would be with me shortly. It was a cold looking room and had no decoration what so ever just a table in the middle of the room one of those tables you used to get in school classrooms and two chairs either side.

I was left in that room again alone for about an hour I was pacing up and down up and down. Then all of a sudden the door opened and a policeman showed my son into the room I ran across the room and hugged him. He seemed very cold and distant he sat down on a chair and I sat in the chair opposite I just wanted to hug him love him and cry. But instead he said mum “ I am bi-sexual” I was in shock I had had my son missing for nearly a week and the first thing he says was mum I am bi-sexual. I tried to act normal and said that’s good love but I was screaming inside I was lost and I didn’t know how to get my son back from this dark world.

He then said “Do you like my new clothes, they bought me some new clothes, Took me to see the London Eye, Blackpool pleasure beach and swimming” I said yes they were lovely and then said to him why are you doing this love I know you have been through something really bad.

It was then my son decided to get up out of the chair and go towards the door he said he didn’t want to come home with me he didn’t love me and didn’t want to be with me. I couldn’t believe it I was in complete shock and didn’t know what to do the only way I can explain it is you feel like a chicken with your head cut off and running around in pain.

How was I supposed to get my son back I mean my real son this wasn’t him it was like some nightmare. The film the body snatchers comes to mind when I write this someone had taken my baby boy and swapped him they must have.

A policeman then came into the room to explain to be my son didn’t want to come home with me and I now had to leave. I walked out of that room scared again and felt like I had know one to help me and make me understand why. They said because he had told them to make me leave I had to go. I left the building and got into the car I looked towards the building and saw my son in a darkened room waving to me. I was told before I left my son would be taken back to Leeds and put into a temporary foster care until the problem was resolved.

I started the drive back to Leeds in the dark and cold alone again knowing that my son was now in a police car somewhere on the M62 also going back to Leeds and not home with me but to a home where I wasn’t aloud to know where. After driving about 20minutes I had to stop the car I couldn’t see properly because I was crying that much my vision was blurred. I stopped the car in a lay-by and I phoned a friend I told her what had happened and that I didn’t want to live anymore my son had rejected me I wanted to kill my self I didn’t want to live anymore.

I wanted to kill Nathan Eyre I wanted to kill Raymond Hawthorne I wanted to kill any man who had touched my baby in an inappropriate way. But I couldn’t obviously so I wanted to die. My friend told me not to do it she said if you do they have won everyone who had hurt you would have won and you would just be remembered as the mother whose child was abused that killed her self. I wanted to get out of the car and start walking down the M62 and hope I would be hit by something big and die straight away. I couldn’t stop crying I decided to have a cigarette and try to calm down and think to my self it would be alright. After about an hour I pulled my self together and carried on driving up the M62 towards LEEDS and home. I must have got back to LEEDS at about 5am in the morning I was cold, tired and lost I fell into bed exhausted and slept

Tuesday 28 October 2008


Moulin Rouge - Not a Dry Eye in the House

[via FoxyTunes / Meat Loaf]

I want to be honest I have only ever loved one person in my life and I left him at 16. I hope he knows who he is. I met him when I was 14 and LOVED HIM and Always have and always will.

He was two years older than me he lived just down the road. He lived at home with his mum and dad. I remember he had a brother called Nigel, a bother Called Steve who was a bit weird and a sister called Susan. His parents were also foster carers. I used to love going to that house there used to be children everywhere it was always full of kids and babies and I always felt safe there. He was a roofer and had freckles all over; he melted my heart and broke my heart too.

My mum had decided to leave my step dad and I remember we had left in the middle of the night. I was 14 and my sister was now 12, my step monster sister was 10 and my brothers were now 8 and 6. We moved into a maisonette on the top floor of a block of 3 in LEEDS. I was a bit of a Tomboy and loved playing football and boys stuff like climbing trees etc. I wasn’t aloud out much because most of the time my mum worked and I had to look after the kids. My mum used to empty jukeboxes in pubs and was out most of the day and sometimes didn’t get home till late at night. So my routine was take the younger kids to school on my way to school Id drop them off I was lucky because there school was basically opposite to where we lived then I would walk the 20 minute walk to my School.

The problem was I was bullied at school like my son and didn’t really go to school much I used to sign in the register then leave and go meet my friends and we would go to Tam O shanters in Leeds and play pool all day then get the bus home in time for me to pick the kids up from school.

If I did go to School two girls used to follow me home every night and kick the shit out of me well one did while the other egged her on. I once asked her why she did it she replied cos I don’t like you! Ha life hey. Hope they are proud of their youth and they remember what they did. They made my life hell Vanessa Fenton and Deborah Shanahan thank ladies you helped me realise what life can be like being bullied and I hope no one ever bullies your kids or grand kids

Because my boyfriend was older than me he used to go out on a Friday night with his mates to the local pub. I used to have to baby sit my younger brothers and sisters because my Mum used to go out with her friend Susan I didn’t mind cos it gave me some time to my self.

You have to understand my mum was blonde very pretty and single now. She used to go out at night to pubs and clubs and enjoy her now single life. This particular night she came home from the Pub and told me she had been up to the pub where my boyfriend used to go and he was in there with his mates.

She must have been talking to him all night and she told me they had all gone for a Curry to Naffees in Headingley after the pub. She then told me that she had given them all a lift home and my boyfriend was the last one in the car. She then told me something that broke my heart forever She said “ He had tried it on with her and told her that he only went out with me to get close to her” I was in total shock she told me I was never aloud to see him again.

Can you imagine maybe you can how I was feeling I was destroyed and I remember crying myself to sleep? It was then I realised I had to get away from her from Him from everyone. I had always planned to get away when I was 16 and this was a good reason. Even now grown up and through what I have been through in my life I still think that night was the start of my downtrodden life.

It was a few weeks later I was looking through the Yorkshire Evening Post and saw a vacancy for an work in Spain. I applied for the job and had to go to Hull for the interview. I remember asking my mum for the fair to go to hull she was reluctant but she did in the end I was praying I got the job and I did thank god.

I was lucky and two days after I left School I left home and left for Spain to be an Aupair.

I don’t think I have ever forgiven her or him for what he did but its strange years later I was told by my sister my mum lied whether she did or didn’t it doesn’t really matter now I lost the only person I have ever loved I mean really loved and I am sorry to say that also includes my ex-husband.

Monday 27 October 2008


TEARS FOR FEARS: Woman In Chains

[via FoxyTunes / Tears for Fears]

It’s ironic two years ago, I had to leave LEEDS because after my divorce my husband assaulted me again and I had to get an injunction out on him. After he actually broke the injunction three times I decided to leave LEEDS and move away I now live 70 miles away from LEEDS and that’s why I find it hard to help my son.

I left behind everything and took my youngest son with me. It has been hard for him too at 14 trying to adjust to a new area, a new school and make new friends but he’s been ok.

Last year I tried to have my son living with me who was abused, but after a suicide attempt and the depression both he and I decided it would be best for him to go back to LEEDS and live there. I did this for a number of reasons one was I live in a small village by the sea and they don’t have the resources here to help my son.

In a big City like Leeds, he can tap into all sorts of Groups and the Health service for help. Another reason was my youngest son was finding it hard also and I had to think of him too! He only had two more years at school and I needed to give him a childhood too. He was nine when his brother was abducted and I forget that he lived through it too. It’s strange the authorities never offered him or my eldest son any form of counselling or de briefing.

I am still shocked that the authorities and the powers that be, don’t know how to really deal with families that have been through what we have. There isn’t any help out there that the Government or the National Health Service provide. The only help are voluntary organisations and charities that you can never get through to, because of a number of reasons. The main reason is the Government, Even the Lottery Fund or Even Children in Need which is a joke don’t want to recognise there are thousands of People who have suffered Child abuse out there. Another is public awareness the public are just kept in the dark about child abuse its one of BRITAINS dirty little secrets and lets deny it happens, lets not talk about it and it never happens. What gets me too is I have never seen any Movies Star, Musician or any one in the MEDIA stand up for child abuse sufferers. Cancer awareness, HIV and all the other illnesses are supported by them but I have never seen one wear a T SHIRT saying stop child abuse. I have read books that they have written confessing they were abused but they never seem to stand up and shout STOP CHILD ABUSE and HELP THE CHILDREN AND FAMILIES WHO HAVE SUFFERED CHILD ABUSE.

Why is it britain's dirty little secret its all about awareness and giving information on how to watch out for it its like the GOVERNMENT are saying right we are spending X amount of money for sex abuse awareness and chasing paedophiles on line etc there fore it doesn't exist and we have done our jobs.

I get so angry and feel like screaming from the top of a building but does any one care? would anyone listen and does anyone ever help?

It's like there saying suffer in silence and it will go away and get on with your life ok you were abused so what!

I would like to know the Statistics if there are anyhow many sufferers of Child abuse are under the Mental Health or are Drug abuses or Alcoholics. I’m not saying some don’t make it to go on to lead Normal if I understand the word Normal lives. How many hide behind Jobs Families and Friends. How many out there have never spoke of it or had therapy or even just spoke to someone about it.

It’s strange I had two friends in LEEDS and when it happened there were there for me but I still had one of the greatest shocks I COULD EVER HAVE. These were two girlfriends that had never met each other. One I have known since 1990 and she had never told me anything about her childhood really but when I told her about my son she then told me she too had been abused as a child a neighbour who used to take her to the allotment as a child and abuse her in a shed. She had told her mother and her mother never believed her HE WAS NEVER BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. But she told me he still lives locally and she was once in Sainsbury’s and as she was walking down an isle he was pushing a trolley coming towards her and she froze.

The other friend told me that back in the early 1960s her mother used to sell her for 2 and 6 to men in her bed-sit she was about 8 years old. I was totally stunned about both these women I wondered if this had never happened to us would my two friends ever have told me? Is it true we keep it tight to our chests and only share it with people who can understand? Both these women had been my friends and I would have never have known yet they both chose to tell me when this tragic thing happened to us.

My son is supposed to have 24 hour care and he has told me he is leaving his fathers and the reason is he is fleeing violence. He has decided to go back into hospital for a while. I would like him to live with me again but how do I cope now he has admitted he’s a drug addict, how do I get the help out here he needs? How do I find services to help him when there aren’t any? Is it fair on my younger child to put him through it? I would do anything for my children but what do I do now. Can I cope with his volatile personality? His mood swings; depression threats of suicide and staying in bed all day and being up all night too put a strain on my financial resources too

My head spins with this everyday and I end up getting depressed and down thinking about it, worrying about it and not knowing the answers!

I think one of the reasons why my son is getting so agitated and the drugs and the alcohol is not just the HIV and the Leukaemia it’s the thought that the man that groomed him and the man that bought him are due up for parole again next year. RAYMOND COLIN HAWTHORN from Manchester. The man that bought my son was up for parole this year only a couple of months ago actually and his parole was denied. Another thing that shocked me was no one asked any of us for an impact statement to be read out at the parole hearing NOTHING! It just seems to happen without any input from the victims.

I received a phone call from probation services telling me the parole hearing was due. My son wasn’t informed as on the past 5 occasions one of these Paedophiles have been released my son was told then attempted suicide so we decided for his own safety for him not to be informed any more.

But next year when the hearing comes up again if they get released he may have to be told. One of his fears, nightmares is that when they do get out there going to come and find him?

I have tried to explain to him that they won’t and he is now at an age where I hate to say it he would be no good to them. Thinking he thought in his head they were going to abuse him again. But no he is worried they are going to seek out some vengeance on him for them being convicted.

I tried to assure him they wouldn’t and if anything happened the police would be rung straight away. He then told me that two men have already tried to take him away. I said what do you mean he said two men came in a car to LEEDS and grabbed him and put him in the back of a car and drove off with him. My son believed they were sent by Raymond Hawthorne or Nathan Eyre to take him back to Manchester. He said he managed to jump out of the car near LEEDS TRAIN STATION when the car stopped at the Traffic Lights and he ran.

I can’t believe this it is like being in a Movie or a Nightmare. I wish I could whisk my son up and take him to another country and start a new life. I pray every Saturday for my lottery Numbers and live in hope like 50 million other people in this country.

But there is one difference it could mean the difference between life or death or insanity for me and mine.

Friday 24 October 2008

Please don't talk about Dying

In The Arms of The Angel (City of Angels music video)

[via FoxyTunes / Lost City of Angels]


My son phoned me last night and we had a three-hour conversation.

He asked me to find a video on UTUBE and asked me to play it this is the video at the top. He then said to me mum when I'm dead please could you play this at my funeral?

He then started to read a speech out to me that he wanted reading at his funeral. I didn't want to here it but he made me. As a mother you don't want to hear it and try to tell them they will be here long after you have gone? All he kept saying was mum I wont be here in two years!

He cried and told me he didn't want to be here anymore, "Mum I've been abused, raped, I have HIV and blood cancer why would you think I would want to live"

He also asked why nobody loved him? I said, " I do love" I love you to bits. He said yes mum but only you. My brothers hate me my dad hates me. Why doesn't my Nana love me I replied your Nana never loved me so why would she want to love you. I said to him there not worth it please just think you are better than them and you will find someone to love you and you deserve to be loved you're a good person inside and its there loss not yours.

Please rise above them and don't worry about it. How do you get through to a child that just all he ever wanted to be loved and maybe that's how a paedophile got hold of him maybe my love wasn't enough? I said to him you know I worked from home and I took you everywhere with me to the markets I was always there and always wanted you with me. He said my brothers would never love you as much as I do who was the one who used to jump in the car every time you were going to leave my dad. He's right every time I got in the car that poor baby used to put his clothes in his rucksack and clamber into the back of the car. My other boys would just sit and wait for me to leave and that's probably why I never did.

I made the mistake of staying in a bad marriage because of my children and now I realise I should have left my husband years ago and taken my children and never gone back but how can you turn the clock back? You can only live with your mistakes and I am now being punished for it!

We both cried he was breaking my heart he told me he wouldn't be around in the next two years. He also said to me mum I'M A DRUG ADDICT how can I help my baby how can I make him see life can go on and he can grow to be a strong young man and have a future in this life.

He went on to say why doesn't any one love him? I replied I do I love you to bits he said I love you more! I love you more than my brothers every will and you are my life.

Sorry writing this I can't stop crying. I told him my life is shit too but I carry on I work and live. He then said to me mum I love you to bits and I would die for you. If you want to jump of a cliff I will hold your hand so we can be together forever.

How do I help my baby, my child my son. I am writing a letter to ask for help.

Dear GOD

I am writing you this letter to please let me start over again I only want to replace the past 7 years I'm not asking a lot just to be able to save my baby and know what I know now

Yours forever

A silent mother

My son told me he was going back into hospital and would be leaving his fathers home next week I didn't really want him to because there I know he has a warm bed and a roof over his head. But what I didn't realise was his fathers violence towards him was getting too bad. He has now told the crisis team and they have agreed he is fleeing violence and will go into hospital, then a hostel then hopefully they will find him a flat.

He also said something that threw me off my feet a minute he said Mum I have something to tell you and you wont like! I said what? He said my dad is sleeping with Aunty Joanne. This is my step monster sister I'm not really surprised and I think it was going on when I was married I remember once mentioning it to my MUM I had suspicions I remember now she wasn't shocked or stunned she just said, " well what do you expect she is a younger version of you". I think she knew back then and that was the answer I got off my birth mother. I have the last giggle the man has a small penis and is not good in bed anyway at least someone is giving him some

Then I think she is welcome to the little man. The only thing I am upset about really is in my family BLOOD is not thicker than water and my family have no morals, no scruples and definitely no LOVE for each other. Maybe it's our upbringing again I am just unfortunate that I was born into that family. What do they say you can't choose your family but you can choose to disown them and I have, did and never ever want to go back in my life? I have never fit in and never been able to live life as they do She has never worked a day in her life and got everything the good old social security have paid for everything and she has done every scam going known to man fake her house being burgled to claim insurance, Always had men to pay for everything while claiming benefits She got caught once and got away with it by the skin of her teeth One of her friends did it she said because they were jealous.

She even had her television hooked up illegally to get every channel she can. Scams in Marks and Spencers and its people like her that have show homes, kids in designer clothes and never has had to work a day for it.

Don't blame them really when you see a single parent going to Lanzarote in all inclusive holidays three times a year, a house like a show home and a new car and on benefits you wonder and some jealous friend would just pick up the phone and grass her up. My only regret is I didn't now do it my self. I have worked hard all my life and have nothing to show for it where is the justice in the world? What's the saying they say in Yorkshire they always get their comeuppance?

Forgiveness doesn't even come into it and I would like to meet the person who can forgive and look them in the eye and say if you have lived in my shoes you are a better person than me.

My son said to me he had just watched a program on channel 4 about a girl who was a heroin addict and her mother was helping her he asked me if I had watched it? I said no he said, "Mum would you stand by me" I said what do you mean your not taking heroin are you he replied mum I am taking everything! My heart sank he said mum you saw me the other week at yours I said yes he said I was taking them at your house I didn't even realise maybe one night he was admitted I thought that was because I had forgot to tell him the shop closed at 10pm and he couldn't get any alcohol.

The government are paying my son disability benefits for him to spend on drugs and kill him self slowly what do I do? I asked him why he said his drugs were better than the hospitals drugs on the drugs the hospital gives him he is like a zombie and one occasion when he was in the hospital he didn't even recognise his father. He just slept most days and was numb and didn't think about anything. He SAID my drugs make me feel good mum.

How does a mother fight with that which is the lesser of the two evils? One evil is illegal and the other evil is numbing the pain and not making the symptoms go away. I wish someone could answer my question and give me the right answer. What do I do as a mother? I want to have him here and look after him and get him off drugs and make him better but how. What would most people say you can only be there if he needs you.

I sometimes wish I could hold his hand and leap of a cliff to a better place!.

Thursday 23 October 2008

Bullying Zero Tolerance

Gerry The Pacemakers - You'll Never Walk Alone

[via FoxyTunes / Slade]


I decided to come to bed to write this bit I feel better in the dark and alone.
It took two years for Nathan Eyre to groom my son. It was a slow process looking back now he was a prime candidate. He was a sensitive child and had ears that stuck out at the sides of his head.

My son was born like that I remember when he was a baby my husband and I used to try to tape his ears back with plasters and put a little hat on him. But to no avail they would not go back a little boy with sticky out ears was a target for Bullying at school. regularly? Don’t think Prince Charles was bullied though?

Schools make me laugh every school my children have gone to seem to have a zero tolerance to bullying and it doesn’t happen in their school but it does.

When a child comes home upset and crying telling you he’s been bullied at school What does a mother, do you have a child screaming at you not to ring the school because he will be called a grass and his life would be over You want to go to the Childs parents and tell them but no your child is having a panic attack because if you tell anyone you’re a grass and the problem becomes worse. Your child turns round and tells you they hate you when you do ring the School and now you have made the problem worse. All you want to do is protect your baby and not let it happen but how?

As a child he was a sweet boy don’t get me wrong he wasn’t perfect the little monkey used to have tantrums get upset hold his breath and pass out. The doctor told me he would grow out of this and he did eventually. It was just when it happened he would pass out and keel over it didn’t matter if I was in the middle of a supermarket or he was in the garden he would pass out and fall to the floor. I had a few cuts and bruises Ill tell you

When he was born the doctors said that he must have been a lazy baby and not moved much in my womb and his ears had unfortunately grown in the fibrous layers in my womb and got caught in a position where they stuck forward and not back. School was hard for the poor baby and he was picked on a lot I have three children but he was always mummies boy.

My other two are athletic sporty and into football and Sports, he never found any of these of interest to him he was into drawing, Cooking and Making anything give him a piece of card crayons and glue and he’d make some strange object which would take him hours till he would say look what I have made mum. Give him an old cereal box and some sticky back plastic and I’d have a rocket lol.

I think teachers and Schools need training in how to deal with bullying and need to acknowledge it does happen and it has to be stopped!

When I look back he was the only son who never got invited to friends houses or parties the signs were there but when you have 3 children and trying to run a business it was hard.

I made soap for a living back then and worked from home. The house was always full of soap and a mess to be honest and I don’t suppose it was an environment they wanted to invite friends back to? You have to understand I was in a marriage where my husband gave me NO money at all No money for the kid’s clothes, Presents or Treats. I was quiet happy to wear clothes from charity shops and Car boots it didn’t bother me as long as I had enough money for my kids to have the clothes they wanted I wasn’t bothered.

My Ex husband had a job with good pay even though in 24yrs I never saw a wage slip. I never knew what he did with the money our mortgage was only £198 pounds a month so it wasn’t that. Or maybe now I do spent it on going out to nightclubs buying women drinks and cheating on me.

His routine was go to work come home go to bed for 2-3 hours get up eat, watch the tv and fall asleep with a beer if he had one. The house was undecorated for years and I remember once saying to my husband can you decorate His words were “ You live like this, get fxxing used to it cos this is how it is staying” I used to ask him if he could work on the house just one hour a night and it would be done but no. He was a DIY man and if his family rang or friends he would go out in the car like a good little soldier and fix their pipes, electric and anything else his family or my step monster sister wanted. That’s how he became a superstar to everyone else and everyone thought he was so lovely!

Food was another issue in the house. I always saw couples and families going shopping in the supermarket. He controlled my children’s lives and mine. He would go shopping and choose what we had for tea and only purchase what we needed that day. The routine was he would go get the food for tea, come home then he would also cook the meals because he continuously told me I couldn’t cook

I look back now and know it was a form of abuse I was controlled by this man completely even though everyone thought I had my own business so I must be strong behind closed doors was another issue. My children would complain that there was never anything to eat in the house. The money I earned I used to go food shopping so my children could eat when they wanted something.

I’m not sure how other people live but I had to earn and work hard just to survive. I remember once telling my husband one of the children needed a pair of trainers and he gave me a fiver laugh now, I could cry. I had to start the business just to make sure my kids had Food, Clothes, Christmas Presents and Treats when I could. How can you explain to someone you are married and you get nothing is that because you deserve nothing?

Everyone in my family thought my marriage was wonderful and I expect my Husbands family did too. Oh he was a wonderful man I’m not saying I am not at fault I must have had many faults too but the fact was everyone thought he was such a lovely man and outside the house he was perfect behaviour everyone liked him and his family loved and adored him.

What do you do when you live with a man that keeps you controlled by money?
What do you do when you live with a man that tells you that no one else would ever want you?
What do you do when you cry and a man pushes you on the floor and calls you pathetic and says things like look at the state of you I don’t love you and you make me sick?

YOU HATE HIM with every inch of your mind and body YOU DESPISE HIM
But everyone sees you arguing with him, which I was only brave enough to do with an audience so they saw me he was really a very clever man and never did it in front of the kids or in front of family or friends. So I was the bad one, I was the one everyone judged and thought was a nutter a bad wife and he needed to get away from me

Even my kids decided I was the one that argued and fought all the time he was very careful to keep quiet when they were around he was sly and I hated him for it.

I know what people say don’t do it in front of your kids! But I was chocking and screaming inside because of how he treated me and I had to suffer mainly in silence.
I remember once he had me by the throat and was holding me up in the air against the wall and I couldn’t do a dam thing about it. I remember him throwing me against the living room wall and as I fell in a heap on the floor and crying he said “get up you stupid cow what you gunna do now ring the police” I never did of course. It got to a point where I couldn’t have the man even in the same bed and he would sleep on the sofa the routine was he would fall asleep on the sofa usually with the TV on all night I would go to bed and as he left for work at 6am he was normally gone when I woke with the kids in the morning.

Then the routine would start again me making soap all day to try to get money together. I always thought I worked from home so I was there for my kids but the sacrifice. I paid for that was a soap filled house and my kids being boys hated it. I am left bitter and angry because being kids they didn’t appreciate what I did for them. A nice clean house, no soap meant no money no clothes no presents no Christmas and sometimes no food.

Kids are so fickle would they really have been happy without a pair of trainers or a new bike they wanted or anything else for that matter. The world around us has made kids materialistic and if their friends had the latest designer gear they wanted it and I was always scared my kids would be bullied if I didn’t work day and night sometimes to make sure they had it but I was hated and resented because of the soap, soap, soap but I did it to survive.

To the outside world my marriage looked perfect on the inside I was with a spineless man who I think resented me for making the soap and resented everything I did. The only way he could control me was financially and he made sure he did a good job. How do you explain to people and the powers that be you are married and have nothing to live on family allowance used to go on the kids dinner moneys and trips and day-to-day things? He begrudged giving me that when I didn’t have enough money to pay for it. Arguments ended in well get your arse out there and get a proper job like me. It takes two to argue and I did fight back I screamed, shouted and really got nowhere

He was a man that was never wrong and would argue and argue until I gave in. If you can imagine a man who when watching the TV and watching game shows he would have to shout out the answer to the questions before the contestants that was my man. A man who would eat food like it was his last supper, a man who would never be proved wrong and was never wrong.

Living like this I blame my self and me alone that I should have taken my child and left and protected him I know my husband would have looked after the other two boys
Maybe my son found a friend in this man someone who didn’t argue and agreed with everything he said. They say we are drawn like moths to a flame by anyone who agrees there life is shit. This man took my son shooting in the woods, taught him how to drive a car and took him out.
What did we do as his parents argue and spit at each other. So I hold my hands up and say yes I was to blame for being weak and not doing the right thing DIVORCING him and running like hell as far away from there as I could. But then would my other children have hated me how could I win, how can I answer my questions maybe I will be judged in Hell.

I'M NOT PERFECT and I'm NOT saying he was the only one to blame I argued and fought back and I have many faults too but I need someone to understand he was ex forces and a cruel man and in this world being controlled financially and being bullied mentally and occasionally physically but maybe only physically 3 or 4 times during the marriage. Now when I look back on my life I think maybe physically is better at least people could see bruises? I am now damaged goods through years of mental abuse I don't have any confidence, I don't make myself look attractive to the opposite sex at all. I have even gone to the extreme of cutting all my hair off so its really short, I dont wear makeup, I don't make an effort at all. I suppose its a mixture of my marriage and the fact that I have a younger child three years younger than the son that was abused. am I Physiologically damaged too.

I know what men reading this say don't tar us all with the same brush. I know there are lovely men out there and women who find them my hats off to you and maybe it is who you are determines whether you find a good man or woman. Or is it a decision out of our hands and maybe God if there is one decides who is a good person and who deserves to be happy. I am tired, too tired to even look for a man.

My dreams are I will find one eventually and be happy my soul mate? Someone who will love me for who I am and what I am faults too and not for what they want me to be.

I am not one of those women who say I won't change for anyone. People can change and my life has changed me. I would love to be loved, cared for and for me to love and care back. But for now I dream and don't dare go anywhere or do anything to make this happen. It will never happen behind my door that's for sure.

The only stipulation I would put on a relationship would be not to judge me for my sins and not to judge my children for theirs but to accept them for who they are. I judge myself enough and think myself as one of lives failures enough as it is. I think I have a right to feel sorry for my self enough as it is and I know people will say life is what you make it! Only you can change it. But our life experiences and childhood mould us into who we are and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see so why would anyone else?

Wednesday 22 October 2008

Knocking on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan

[via FoxyTunes / Bob Dylan]

Mr Jack Straw
House of Commons

Dear Mr Straw

Mr XXXXXX has very kindly agreed to deliver my letter to you personally.

I am the mother of a 19-year-old boy who was groomed by a paedophile from the age of twelve and then at the age of 14 was abducted and sold at a McDonalds on the M62 for £500 to a national paedophile ring. Approximately 200 members of a paedophile ring subjected my son to multiple rapes over a period two years.
The police only found my son because the man that actually sold him feared for my son's life, informed the police of what he had done and whom he had sold him to. "A touch of remorse from a sex offender does not justify a lenient sentence"?

In addition to the physical injuries sustained he was plied with alcohol and drugs throughout the prolonged attacks.Please may I add only 7 men were brought to justice because of a number of reasons one being lack of police recourses.

I also don't think there is justice in the system when all men pled not guilty until a week before the trial and then changed them to receive a lenient sentence.The case was reported widely when the perpetrators were brought to justice in Leeds Crown Court in 2004.If you wish to find out more about the case you will find it by typing Nathan Eyre into Yahoo search engine.

During the investigation and trial and throughout the intervening years I have found so much that is wrong with the criminal justice system.I understand that changes are made to the law as an ongoing process, according to research and the findings of people who have been a victim of crime or a family member of the victim.My son is not able to communicate on his own behalf and has given his permission for me to carry out all the necessary administration relating to the aftermath of this unspeakable crime

I have summarised my recommendations for the treatment of criminals found guilty of serious sexual assault on a minor.

A judge has condemned the "absurdly limited" jail terms he could impose for men involved in the sexual grooming of a 14-year-old boy who was sold to a national paedophile ring. Mr Justice Holland called on the crown prosecution service to look at the issue. He said the maximum seven-year sentence for people living off the earnings of prostitutes was "quite absurd".

I am still shocked at this statement as to the living of the earnings of prostitutes. This was my child not an adult who had decided to become a prostitute and hired a pimp?

I would like to campaign for the sex offences act 2003 to be amended. As I find it confusing and with discrepancies.The Judge on our case made this statement to the press saying his hands were tied and the sentence did not reflect the crime.

I have learned from being in the criminal justice system and having support from probation services. That as each Sex offender is released; they do not serve their whole sentence? But merely half with the other half on probation.

Another one of my arguments is if there is lack of police recourses to catch them?

I am sure there are not enough resourses to watch them twenty-four hours a day? I would like to see the sentences increased for paedophiles and for crimes against children.

I would like to see the criminal justice system acknowledge the seriousness of these crimes. I have had a conversation on Prison Overcrowding and I will not accept that excuse.I know committing any crime is illegal and punishable. But if you asked any Mother of a child who has been sexually abused "would you rather lock up a paedophile, sex offender or a motor vehicle or council tax offender? You would receive the same answer every time. These children are the Future of Britain and if Britain is failing them whom do they turn to? If one power stood up and said zero tolerance and meant it our world would be a better place.

Thousands of pounds are spent on public awareness on these perpetrators but when they slip through the net and are caught they seem to get a slap on the wrist and its wrong.The human rights of a child have been violated and therefore the human rights of the Offender should be violated too.

Not just the victim suffers in these cases but the families of the victims too.I lost my Childs innocence, My Marriage, My Home and My business. Where is the Justice please?

If I had lost my child forever at least I could grieve for him and in some ways it may have been better? Now we live a life sentence and statistics show most of these children never recover fully even with therapy and love.

Before this happened to us I always thought it happened to children who were neglected and from council estates.We had three children; our own home, my own business and we had never broken the law. But unfortunately I had a child who was bullied at school and was a prime candidate for a predatory paedophile, a friend and an advocate? Who was to tear my son away from me and alienate him from his family?

I live every day with my mistakes as a mother and will die consumed with guilt and remorse, for not only my child but also the child up the street, the child in the next town or city.

One of the Sex offenders in our case was charged on two counts of buggery and one of indecent assault and the judge could only impose a 36-month sentence of which he served 18 months.

Precedence should be established for buggery of a minor. I would like the Sex Offence Act 2003 to be amended to rape of a child under the age of 16 and not 13. I believe it is illegal to have consensual sex under the age of 16 in this country. Then why is there a gap in the law for children between the ages of 13-16? Precedence should be established for buggery of a minor under the age of 16.My son was raped from the age of 12 and at the age of 14 abducted and sold. This law failed us and must fail other families in this country.It is now nearly 2009 and I am pleading with the powers that be, to show compassion for the victims and their families.I think promiscuous behaviour and religion is another issue and should be separated from Paedophilia.

The victim should be allowed to receive therapy in the period leading up to the trial. This should not be used against the victim in a trial.Compensation should reflect the severity of the crime. This I need to elaborate further on As I have been fighting for compensation for my son since 2005 through the Criminal Compensation Board.Not to add my most disheartening case is my civil case through the courts to get compensation for my son and having fought for four years and may end up with large legal costs as the Legal Aid board seem to Fail in their recognition of Paedophile cases too?

The visual identification process of the perpetrator by the victim should be improved.Voice recognition could be used.In my sons case the only identification process was a video screen and my son was angry because most of the rapes were in darkened rooms and the only way he could identify his perpetrators were from their voices or their smells.

I am now a mother of a broken child who has been sectioned under the mental health act three times, that has tried to commit suicide on many occasions and on each occasion one of these men have been released my son has attempted suicide.I have had my child on life support, I have a child whom has been diagnosed as having a personality disorder, had Gonorrhoea, had Chlamydia and three weeks ago was diagnosed HIV Positive with Blood Cancer and he is now Nineteen years old? I am sure you are aware that it is impossible to explain in detail what went wrong and how the system let us down.I hope that by putting these views forward I can help to improve the experience of future victims.I am able, with the help of a voluntary advocate, to communicate further with you or other appropriate agencies, as necessary.I would like to elaborate on my suggestions and findings but appreciate that this initial letter is not the place to do so.

Please advise me as to how I can get my voice heard on these issues.I look forward to your response.

Yours Sincerely