VENTING MY ANGER

OCTOBER 17^TH THOUGHTS

SAT ALONE

I haven't been able to write for a while as the heartache of my child is consuming me. I spent about five hours on the phone to him the other night and received more devastating news!

Having gone to the hospital after his HIV diagnosis and having tests, x-rays, scans prodded pocked and looked at. We now have to cope with a new diagnosis of cancer of the blood, which I believe is quiet commonly related to HIV

I have since read up on the Internet and it seems to be related to his white blood cells and a bacteria. I'm not sure how much more I can take, where do I keep getting the strength to get more bad news. He's nineteen and been through so much in his life. I am finding hard as his Mother to go on its so hard. I struggle in debt trying to make ends meet as a single parent, as most do I am sure with the credit crunch. I'm not suggesting I am the only one in debt. But I am finding it so hard just to go through the motions of each day, every day. Having to deal with my son's illness and try to be strong for him is taking my breath away and would love to go to sleep and never wake up.

God I am taking risks here I suppose the help lines and the hospitals if they heard this would have me in a psychiatric ward again for sure. Just getting out of bed and going to work is such a chore. I feel short of breath all the time, I find my self having panic attacks and shut myself away from the world and don't speak to anyone. I have the odd day every couple of weeks where I ring some kind of help line, when I can find one that's open that is, just to release the pressure.

It make me laugh sometimes how each organisation can only talk about certain things and when you start rambling about what's happened the so called volunteer on the phone starts to panic and informs me they can't help me with that. Have you tried another agency? Have you gone to your doctor shhhhhhhhh PROZAC will help me I'm sure but don't take too many come back and see me in 2 weeks because there addictive.

I do wish I had never been born. Then I wouldn't have put my child through such misery. As I wouldn't have had my child does that make sense. Maybe I'm not making sense to my self I don't know any more I seem to walk around in a haze and life is a blur at the moment. There are just some people in this world who are dealt bad cards and I must be one of them. What do some people say life is what you make it and you make your life. But there seems to have been uncontrollable powers that made sure my life was bad. Fate plays a big part, wrong time wrong place I can go on but why my life has been shit and will no doubt continue to be shit till I either give up or die.

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Is someone going to shout for god sake woman pull your self together and just get on with it?

My son cried again on the phone the other night and all he kept saying was

"it's your fault you lied to me? You told me my life would get better after the abuse. " I did I kept telling him he had his whole life to look forward to. Did I lie Im supposed to say that to my children things will get better, it will be ok Are we not?

We are all victims of this crime, the whole family really including my younger son who I forget was only nine at the time it happened. I never talk about it to him, I never mention it to him its just a taboo subject and has it?

His main concern is I never mention it in front of his friends, I never mention it to anyone in the village and please don't talk about it, I don't want to. Is it healthy not to talk about it will he suffer in later years for ignoring what happened and pretending it never happened? I don't know I'm not a professional but then again what is a professional.

The only people I can relate to are those who have suffered the same as I have only they can understand and know what we go through. So-called professionals empathise, sympathise and try to diagnose and stop the pain. I'm surprised no one has suggested an operation to cut the pain out and maybe then it would go away.

When you watch a child abuse them selves by cutting their arms and legs with razor blades and telling you it releases the pressure and stops his head from wanting to explode, taking drugs and cant sleep unless they have 3 litres of cider a night so they don't have nightmares. When you have a child who walks into a department store and smells an aftershave and wants to be sick because it's a smell they remember how do you keep going. Am I strong? Am I just weak and bleat on about it? Should I be like my ex-husband and tell my child there's nothing wrong with you just go get out there and get a job?

I don't care what anyone say's. As a mother you carry your child for nine months, you feel them kick inside you, you give birth to them and the bond is different and they are part of you. You breath and they breath. I can't explain it only a Mother knows what I am saying. You hold that baby in your arms for the first time and all you want is a good and happy life for them. You sit and nurse them and watch them sleep. You pray they grow up good and free from harm.

How do you cope with a crime your involved in, committed by male sex offenders. Men who are Accountants, Funeral Directors, Solicitors, Builders, Disabled, Coach Drivers. Cry Its almost laughable many who have never been brought to justice. I have two choices curl up in a ball, forget about it and just move on or FIGHT, FIGHT for justice and also tell my story so others can understand the devious world of a paedophile, the Justice System in the UK and how it fails you, The National Health System in the UK and how its not set up to cope with this kind of devastation.

The compensation system for victims and the understanding that it's a token gesture. Yes you were a victim here's your pennies, we are so sorry, now go away and get on with your life! I cant get into my head that a degree in psychology and the name doctor or professor can diagnosis what's wrong with you. They can form an opinion of you be it good or bad. The powers that be listen and the mental health system who think by administering drugs to make the pain go away.

Today I feel like a bad person for feeling resentment and anger at the Weeks news of the McCann's and the Tapas seven. Celebrating winning one point seven million in liable from the Tabloid Press for slander. My heart goes out to them and if they ever find Maddie

I hope she has never suffered like my son had suffered at the hands of paedophiles. God forbid they ever have to endure getting your child back broken and abused and destroyed.

I am sorry for feeling resentment but when they offered my son thirteen thousand pound for being abused by nearly 200 men through out the UK. When they offered my son thirteen thousand for helping convict 7 paedophiles and making the streets little safer for other children even though it was only for a little while.

When they reduced the amount they offered my son by five thousand pound because at the time of the abuse my son was under the influence of drugs and alcohol

The man that groomed my child drugged him and gave him alcohol to abuse him Where is the justice in this world?

I need someone to explain to me if there is a god where was he when my child needed him? They offered my son who is mentally ill physiologically ill, who can't work in the real world, who lost his childhood, his education. How does that compare?

I feel angry with my self because it isn't about the money really. The money can't make it better, it can't make it go away and it can't make it so it never happened. But it can make them pay for what they have done. I want them to stand up and be counted Prison wasn't enough it will never be enough I want them to suffer financially for what they have done. I am not religious but I hope there is a god and I hope he punishes and I hope the devil and hell exist and fire and damnation and suffering when you dead and I hope they suffer as much as my son has suffered.

Having gone through all this MY HEART goes out to those who do recover from similar crimes. Maybe were not strong enough? They say time is a healer, but how much time do I have with my son?

Everyone keeps saying HIV is not the disease it was they can live normal lives, Leukaemia can even be cured. My fear is I will more than likely lose my son to another suicide attempt, be it blundered.

I don't really think he wants to die he just needs help and he cant get the right help. He is screaming inside as I am and no one listens. How do you make this better? How do you make it go away?

Would I be arrested if I say the truth? All I wanted to do was take these men into the woods pour over a can of petrol, set fire to them and watch to the end. Can you be arrested for having bad thoughts? Or are they good thoughts. The law states they have human rights. They are people, they have families, for god sake some of them were even married. But my thoughts on this subject at the moment are As soon as they took away the human rights of my little boy and raped him and abused him They should have lost their human rights because they stopped being human.

I am angry, that the men my son put in prison have had more money spent on them in so called rehabilitation programs in prison, probation officers, being relocated, being given somewhere to live, be it next to some unsuspecting single mother and even helped to get a job to integrate back in to society. I am angry at the fact they have supposed to pay for the crime they committed and got lenient sentences because they admitted and pleaded guilty in a court of law. Do I have the right as a mother to be angry and scream at the powers that be or should I SIT CRY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF AND MY SON AND MY FAMILY shut up and get on with my life?

I am sure some do gooders out there will say they have paid for their crimes but god forbid it happens to their child, their grandchild, their brother let me be judged for hating them all.

Where did I fail as a mother? Why didn't I protect my child? Why didn't I run away with my child when I thought there was something wrong? Why did I not save my child? I can't answer these questions. I wish I could turn the clock back and if I could have seen into the future that this man was going abduct my child and sell him for a measly £500 at a McDonald's to a monster. I would have run, I would have left my husband and my two other children behind and saved him. Now it's too late too late for us all. I am angry at everyone including myself and I'm hoping it will go away or it will get better they say time is a healer but most days I wish time would end.