Please don't talk about Dying

In The Arms of The Angel (City of Angels music video)

[via FoxyTunes / Lost City of Angels]

PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT DYING

My son phoned me last night and we had a three-hour conversation.

He asked me to find a video on UTUBE and asked me to play it this is the video at the top. He then said to me mum when I'm dead please could you play this at my funeral?

He then started to read a speech out to me that he wanted reading at his funeral. I didn't want to here it but he made me. As a mother you don't want to hear it and try to tell them they will be here long after you have gone? All he kept saying was mum I wont be here in two years!

He cried and told me he didn't want to be here anymore, "Mum I've been abused, raped, I have HIV and blood cancer why would you think I would want to live"

He also asked why nobody loved him? I said, " I do love" I love you to bits. He said yes mum but only you. My brothers hate me my dad hates me. Why doesn't my Nana love me I replied your Nana never loved me so why would she want to love you. I said to him there not worth it please just think you are better than them and you will find someone to love you and you deserve to be loved you're a good person inside and its there loss not yours.

Please rise above them and don't worry about it. How do you get through to a child that just all he ever wanted to be loved and maybe that's how a paedophile got hold of him maybe my love wasn't enough? I said to him you know I worked from home and I took you everywhere with me to the markets I was always there and always wanted you with me. He said my brothers would never love you as much as I do who was the one who used to jump in the car every time you were going to leave my dad. He's right every time I got in the car that poor baby used to put his clothes in his rucksack and clamber into the back of the car. My other boys would just sit and wait for me to leave and that's probably why I never did.

I made the mistake of staying in a bad marriage because of my children and now I realise I should have left my husband years ago and taken my children and never gone back but how can you turn the clock back? You can only live with your mistakes and I am now being punished for it!

We both cried he was breaking my heart he told me he wouldn't be around in the next two years. He also said to me mum I'M A DRUG ADDICT how can I help my baby how can I make him see life can go on and he can grow to be a strong young man and have a future in this life.

He went on to say why doesn't any one love him? I replied I do I love you to bits he said I love you more! I love you more than my brothers every will and you are my life.

Sorry writing this I can't stop crying. I told him my life is shit too but I carry on I work and live. He then said to me mum I love you to bits and I would die for you. If you want to jump of a cliff I will hold your hand so we can be together forever.

How do I help my baby, my child my son. I am writing a letter to ask for help.

Dear GOD

I am writing you this letter to please let me start over again I only want to replace the past 7 years I'm not asking a lot just to be able to save my baby and know what I know now

Yours forever

A silent mother

My son told me he was going back into hospital and would be leaving his fathers home next week I didn't really want him to because there I know he has a warm bed and a roof over his head. But what I didn't realise was his fathers violence towards him was getting too bad. He has now told the crisis team and they have agreed he is fleeing violence and will go into hospital, then a hostel then hopefully they will find him a flat.

He also said something that threw me off my feet a minute he said Mum I have something to tell you and you wont like! I said what? He said my dad is sleeping with Aunty Joanne. This is my step monster sister I'm not really surprised and I think it was going on when I was married I remember once mentioning it to my MUM I had suspicions I remember now she wasn't shocked or stunned she just said, " well what do you expect she is a younger version of you". I think she knew back then and that was the answer I got off my birth mother. I have the last giggle the man has a small penis and is not good in bed anyway at least someone is giving him some

Then I think she is welcome to the little man. The only thing I am upset about really is in my family BLOOD is not thicker than water and my family have no morals, no scruples and definitely no LOVE for each other. Maybe it's our upbringing again I am just unfortunate that I was born into that family. What do they say you can't choose your family but you can choose to disown them and I have, did and never ever want to go back in my life? I have never fit in and never been able to live life as they do She has never worked a day in her life and got everything the good old social security have paid for everything and she has done every scam going known to man fake her house being burgled to claim insurance, Always had men to pay for everything while claiming benefits She got caught once and got away with it by the skin of her teeth One of her friends did it she said because they were jealous.

She even had her television hooked up illegally to get every channel she can. Scams in Marks and Spencers and its people like her that have show homes, kids in designer clothes and never has had to work a day for it.

Don't blame them really when you see a single parent going to Lanzarote in all inclusive holidays three times a year, a house like a show home and a new car and on benefits you wonder and some jealous friend would just pick up the phone and grass her up. My only regret is I didn't now do it my self. I have worked hard all my life and have nothing to show for it where is the justice in the world? What's the saying they say in Yorkshire they always get their comeuppance?

Forgiveness doesn't even come into it and I would like to meet the person who can forgive and look them in the eye and say if you have lived in my shoes you are a better person than me.

My son said to me he had just watched a program on channel 4 about a girl who was a heroin addict and her mother was helping her he asked me if I had watched it? I said no he said, "Mum would you stand by me" I said what do you mean your not taking heroin are you he replied mum I am taking everything! My heart sank he said mum you saw me the other week at yours I said yes he said I was taking them at your house I didn't even realise maybe one night he was admitted I thought that was because I had forgot to tell him the shop closed at 10pm and he couldn't get any alcohol.

The government are paying my son disability benefits for him to spend on drugs and kill him self slowly what do I do? I asked him why he said his drugs were better than the hospitals drugs on the drugs the hospital gives him he is like a zombie and one occasion when he was in the hospital he didn't even recognise his father. He just slept most days and was numb and didn't think about anything. He SAID my drugs make me feel good mum.

How does a mother fight with that which is the lesser of the two evils? One evil is illegal and the other evil is numbing the pain and not making the symptoms go away. I wish someone could answer my question and give me the right answer. What do I do as a mother? I want to have him here and look after him and get him off drugs and make him better but how. What would most people say you can only be there if he needs you.

I sometimes wish I could hold his hand and leap of a cliff to a better place!.