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Gerry The Pacemakers - You'll Never Walk Alone
BULLYING ZERO TOLERANCE
I decided to come to bed to write this bit I feel better in the dark and alone.
It took two years for Nathan Eyre to groom my son. It was a slow process looking back now he was a prime candidate. He was a sensitive child and had ears that stuck out at the sides of his head.
My son was born like that I remember when he was a baby my husband and I used to try to tape his ears back with plasters and put a little hat on him. But to no avail they would not go back a little boy with sticky out ears was a target for Bullying at school. regularly? Don’t think Prince Charles was bullied though?
Schools make me laugh every school my children have gone to seem to have a zero tolerance to bullying and it doesn’t happen in their school but it does.
When a child comes home upset and crying telling you he’s been bullied at school What does a mother, do you have a child screaming at you not to ring the school because he will be called a grass and his life would be over You want to go to the Childs parents and tell them but no your child is having a panic attack because if you tell anyone you’re a grass and the problem becomes worse. Your child turns round and tells you they hate you when you do ring the School and now you have made the problem worse. All you want to do is protect your baby and not let it happen but how?
As a child he was a sweet boy don’t get me wrong he wasn’t perfect the little monkey used to have tantrums get upset hold his breath and pass out. The doctor told me he would grow out of this and he did eventually. It was just when it happened he would pass out and keel over it didn’t matter if I was in the middle of a supermarket or he was in the garden he would pass out and fall to the floor. I had a few cuts and bruises Ill tell you
When he was born the doctors said that he must have been a lazy baby and not moved much in my womb and his ears had unfortunately grown in the fibrous layers in my womb and got caught in a position where they stuck forward and not back. School was hard for the poor baby and he was picked on a lot I have three children but he was always mummies boy.
My other two are athletic sporty and into football and Sports, he never found any of these of interest to him he was into drawing, Cooking and Making anything give him a piece of card crayons and glue and he’d make some strange object which would take him hours till he would say look what I have made mum. Give him an old cereal box and some sticky back plastic and I’d have a rocket lol.
I think teachers and Schools need training in how to deal with bullying and need to acknowledge it does happen and it has to be stopped!
When I look back he was the only son who never got invited to friends houses or parties the signs were there but when you have 3 children and trying to run a business it was hard.
I made soap for a living back then and worked from home. The house was always full of soap and a mess to be honest and I don’t suppose it was an environment they wanted to invite friends back to? You have to understand I was in a marriage where my husband gave me NO money at all No money for the kid’s clothes, Presents or Treats. I was quiet happy to wear clothes from charity shops and Car boots it didn’t bother me as long as I had enough money for my kids to have the clothes they wanted I wasn’t bothered.
My Ex husband had a job with good pay even though in 24yrs I never saw a wage slip. I never knew what he did with the money our mortgage was only £198 pounds a month so it wasn’t that. Or maybe now I do spent it on going out to nightclubs buying women drinks and cheating on me.
His routine was go to work come home go to bed for 2-3 hours get up eat, watch the tv and fall asleep with a beer if he had one. The house was undecorated for years and I remember once saying to my husband can you decorate His words were “ You live like this, get fxxing used to it cos this is how it is staying” I used to ask him if he could work on the house just one hour a night and it would be done but no. He was a DIY man and if his family rang or friends he would go out in the car like a good little soldier and fix their pipes, electric and anything else his family or my step monster sister wanted. That’s how he became a superstar to everyone else and everyone thought he was so lovely!
Food was another issue in the house. I always saw couples and families going shopping in the supermarket. He controlled my children’s lives and mine. He would go shopping and choose what we had for tea and only purchase what we needed that day. The routine was he would go get the food for tea, come home then he would also cook the meals because he continuously told me I couldn’t cook
I look back now and know it was a form of abuse I was controlled by this man completely even though everyone thought I had my own business so I must be strong behind closed doors was another issue. My children would complain that there was never anything to eat in the house. The money I earned I used to go food shopping so my children could eat when they wanted something.
I’m not sure how other people live but I had to earn and work hard just to survive. I remember once telling my husband one of the children needed a pair of trainers and he gave me a fiver laugh now, I could cry. I had to start the business just to make sure my kids had Food, Clothes, Christmas Presents and Treats when I could. How can you explain to someone you are married and you get nothing is that because you deserve nothing?
Everyone in my family thought my marriage was wonderful and I expect my Husbands family did too. Oh he was a wonderful man I’m not saying I am not at fault I must have had many faults too but the fact was everyone thought he was such a lovely man and outside the house he was perfect behaviour everyone liked him and his family loved and adored him.
What do you do when you live with a man that keeps you controlled by money?
What do you do when you live with a man that tells you that no one else would ever want you?
What do you do when you cry and a man pushes you on the floor and calls you pathetic and says things like look at the state of you I don’t love you and you make me sick?
YOU HATE HIM with every inch of your mind and body YOU DESPISE HIM
But everyone sees you arguing with him, which I was only brave enough to do with an audience so they saw me he was really a very clever man and never did it in front of the kids or in front of family or friends. So I was the bad one, I was the one everyone judged and thought was a nutter a bad wife and he needed to get away from me
Even my kids decided I was the one that argued and fought all the time he was very careful to keep quiet when they were around he was sly and I hated him for it.
I know what people say don’t do it in front of your kids! But I was chocking and screaming inside because of how he treated me and I had to suffer mainly in silence.
I remember once he had me by the throat and was holding me up in the air against the wall and I couldn’t do a dam thing about it. I remember him throwing me against the living room wall and as I fell in a heap on the floor and crying he said “get up you stupid cow what you gunna do now ring the police” I never did of course. It got to a point where I couldn’t have the man even in the same bed and he would sleep on the sofa the routine was he would fall asleep on the sofa usually with the TV on all night I would go to bed and as he left for work at 6am he was normally gone when I woke with the kids in the morning.
Then the routine would start again me making soap all day to try to get money together. I always thought I worked from home so I was there for my kids but the sacrifice. I paid for that was a soap filled house and my kids being boys hated it. I am left bitter and angry because being kids they didn’t appreciate what I did for them. A nice clean house, no soap meant no money no clothes no presents no Christmas and sometimes no food.
Kids are so fickle would they really have been happy without a pair of trainers or a new bike they wanted or anything else for that matter. The world around us has made kids materialistic and if their friends had the latest designer gear they wanted it and I was always scared my kids would be bullied if I didn’t work day and night sometimes to make sure they had it but I was hated and resented because of the soap, soap, soap but I did it to survive.
To the outside world my marriage looked perfect on the inside I was with a spineless man who I think resented me for making the soap and resented everything I did. The only way he could control me was financially and he made sure he did a good job. How do you explain to people and the powers that be you are married and have nothing to live on family allowance used to go on the kids dinner moneys and trips and day-to-day things? He begrudged giving me that when I didn’t have enough money to pay for it. Arguments ended in well get your arse out there and get a proper job like me. It takes two to argue and I did fight back I screamed, shouted and really got nowhere
He was a man that was never wrong and would argue and argue until I gave in. If you can imagine a man who when watching the TV and watching game shows he would have to shout out the answer to the questions before the contestants that was my man. A man who would eat food like it was his last supper, a man who would never be proved wrong and was never wrong.
Living like this I blame my self and me alone that I should have taken my child and left and protected him I know my husband would have looked after the other two boys
Maybe my son found a friend in this man someone who didn’t argue and agreed with everything he said. They say we are drawn like moths to a flame by anyone who agrees there life is shit. This man took my son shooting in the woods, taught him how to drive a car and took him out.
What did we do as his parents argue and spit at each other. So I hold my hands up and say yes I was to blame for being weak and not doing the right thing DIVORCING him and running like hell as far away from there as I could. But then would my other children have hated me how could I win, how can I answer my questions maybe I will be judged in Hell.
I'M NOT PERFECT and I'm NOT saying he was the only one to blame I argued and fought back and I have many faults too but I need someone to understand he was ex forces and a cruel man and in this world being controlled financially and being bullied mentally and occasionally physically but maybe only physically 3 or 4 times during the marriage. Now when I look back on my life I think maybe physically is better at least people could see bruises? I am now damaged goods through years of mental abuse I don't have any confidence, I don't make myself look attractive to the opposite sex at all. I have even gone to the extreme of cutting all my hair off so its really short, I dont wear makeup, I don't make an effort at all. I suppose its a mixture of my marriage and the fact that I have a younger child three years younger than the son that was abused. am I Physiologically damaged too.
I know what men reading this say don't tar us all with the same brush. I know there are lovely men out there and women who find them my hats off to you and maybe it is who you are determines whether you find a good man or woman. Or is it a decision out of our hands and maybe God if there is one decides who is a good person and who deserves to be happy. I am tired, too tired to even look for a man.
My dreams are I will find one eventually and be happy my soul mate? Someone who will love me for who I am and what I am faults too and not for what they want me to be.
I am not one of those women who say I won't change for anyone. People can change and my life has changed me. I would love to be loved, cared for and for me to love and care back. But for now I dream and don't dare go anywhere or do anything to make this happen. It will never happen behind my door that's for sure.
The only stipulation I would put on a relationship would be not to judge me for my sins and not to judge my children for theirs but to accept them for who they are. I judge myself enough and think myself as one of lives failures enough as it is. I think I have a right to feel sorry for my self enough as it is and I know people will say life is what you make it! Only you can change it. But our life experiences and childhood mould us into who we are and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see so why would anyone else?
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