DIARY DAY MONDAY 22ND SEPTEMBER 2008

I got home about 3pm with the dogs made a coffee and sat down the phone started ringing again it was my Son he was sobbing uncontrollably whets up love I said then my world came crashing down "I'm HIV Positive mum" he couldn't stop crying all he kept saying was he had wanted children I started crying. I told him I was so sorry I couldn't make it better I couldn't say it was going to be ok I didn't know what to say he's 19 for god sake I just told him I loved him very much. But I am also angry that he's played Russian roulette with his life and paid the price the reasons I will reveal later.

I still feel numb I cant believe this has happened what do you say to one of your babies? How can you tell him it will be ok you cant you can just tell him you love him and be there for him if he needs you. He kept saying to me I want to be buried don't burn me please He then told me he couldn't get hold of his dad as he hadn't come back from work and had switched his mobile phone off. This was a trick he used to pull on me switch his phone off when he didn't want you to know where he was and everything would be fine. He is now pulling the same stunts on his children and I hate him for it. I told my son to keep trying as being 60 miles away I couldn't be there.
He was saying he wanted to kill him self I just wanted someone to be there with him I had asked him how he had found out he said the hospital had sent him a text on his phone to get in touch and then told the poor kid over the phone I am so angry my son is not well the best of times a high suicide risk and mentally unstable and to tell him that over the phone was heartbreaking. I told him to keep trying his dad I didn't want him to be alone as I thought he may try harm himself. within minutes he rang me back he had managed to get hold of his dad he was at his mothers and told him he would be back in an hour. Again this made me mad he was about 15 minutes away and his son needed him.

I had decided to take a weeks holiday from work as I haven't had a day off since August 2007 I had asked my boss on the Friday if it would be ok I'm now glad I did! On Friday my sister and I had rescued another baby from a lady who was advertising a dog for sale on the internet a Neapolitan Mastiff we had brought her home to my house she had sores all over her back, green grunge coming out of her eyes and didn't seem a well baby I had to take her to the vets as soon as I could I planned to take her Tomorrow. But today I decided a day out with the dogs in town fresh air and a nice walk would be good for us all. I waited while my younger son got ready for school said good bye then went and got a shower, dressed and put the dogs in the car. One Neapolitan mastiff and one baby bullmastiff that I have had for 8 weeks now. It had been nice just walking round town with the dogs peaceful I had called in a health food shop to get some manuka oil for the dogs skin as I had been reading it was a good antibiotic and I thought it may help her sores with some water in a spray bottle while I could get her to the vets in the morning.