My Darkest Hour JULY 2006

Annie Lennox - Many Rivers To Cross @ Idol Gives Back 2008

[via FoxyTunes / Annie Lennox]

When I have watched films about dying, the one thing they all seem to have in common is when you die you are supposed to go into a bright light. I wonder if it is the same if you try to kill your self. I’m not religious but I remember something about if you commit suicide its hell and damnation

With me there was NO light just the pitch-black blackness and a feeling of serenity and peace. I didn’t see a white light, a bright light nothing just the dark. When I think back about that day it was a nice warm feeling but I really shouldn’t say that don’t want to encourage anyone to be as mad as I was But then as I came back to my god forsaken life.

I gasped for air it was the most horrendous feeling I can remember it as if it was yesterday and the feeling I took one large gulp of air and there was a tight feeling of my lungs filling back up with air. A policeman leaning over me telling me to breathe comes on breathe. It hadn’t worked I was still here!

Its strange that morning when I awoke I wasn’t feeling particularly depressed. It was July a nice sunny day and quiet warm outside.My youngest son had gone to school and my son who had been abused by the paedophiles was in bed.

I remember my mum telephoning and I didn’t pick up I’d had quiet a bad night and she was telling me to pick the phone up on the answering machine. I remember her shouting down the phone pick up the phone I know your there. I waited while the machine stopped.

I went upstairs and got dressed I made a coffee and had a cigarette I don’t remember feeling depressed at all that morning I’d looked out of the window at the sunshine it was a lovely day.I was quiet calm really no crying no panic attack nothing. I must have been pretty low at this stage. I remember going to the garage and getting the stepladders out and putting them in the back of the car.

Then I grabbed my bag and got in the car.It took my about ten minutes to drive down to a local garage at the bottom of pool bank. I went inside the garage and purchased a yellow towrope it cost me £6.50 threw it in the back of the car and drove off.I was heading for Otley Chevin This is a large hill over looking the Town of Otley in Yorkshire where I had happy memories as a child. I remember the whole family going up to the Chevin in the winters when the snow came armed with cardboard boxes and sliding down the hill on the cardboard in the snow.

The hill goes down about 500 yards its full of heather and rocks then there’s the woods hundreds and hundreds of Trees. I had been up to the Chevin with my Mum and Step dad to sprinkle my brother’s ashes up there. We had decided to put Nicholas my brother up there because we had so many happy childhood memories of that place. So I knew he was there waiting for me.My sweet brother had died in 2004 August 30 of a heart attack at the age of 31 No age to die really poor soul.

When I arrived at the Chevin I drove the car into the little car park, looked around to see if anyone was about took out the stepladders and the tow rope and walked down the hill into the woods. I must have looked like a mad woman really I had on a skirt, a t shirt and a pair of sandals a step ladder under my arms, my mobile phone in my pocket and the towrope in the other hand.

I walked around looking for a tree, my tree, and the tree that would take all my pain away the tree that would save me from any more pain. After wandering round the trees for a while I came across one that had a rock beneath it this was the tree I could stand on the rock and jump swing and I would hang myself.

I opened the stepladders and placed them carefully under the tree opened the packet with the bright yellow towrope in and climbed up the ladder.

It being a towrope was great all I had to do was throw it over and pull the long bit through and I had a noose already made.I had got my Noose sorted out so I put the ladders down on the floor and sat I decided to have a cigarette and I know this sounds really stupid. But I started talking to my brother.

Was I mad I asked him to please come and get me please hold my hand and take me to where there was no more pain, no more heartache and no more life. Heaven Hell WHERE EVER HE WAS I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. I was praying and saying if there was a god please makes Nicholas and my Daddy come for me then we can be together.I was weeping by this time uncontrollably when I look back I was actually weeping like a child and me an adult too. I knew I was doing the right thing. I had failed as a mother and not been able to protect my child from this evil, this pain and this suffering. I knew my children would be looked after by their father and the rest of my family would be all sympathetic and make sure my kids were felt sorry for that their bad mother was selfish and had left them behind.

I had come to a dark place in my life where I didn’t want to be here anymore. Why was I doing this?

AUGUST:My baby Brother had died of a Heart attack at the age of 31

OCTOBER: My Poor Child had been abducted and sold like a piece of meat to be abused by Paedophiles all over the UK

DECEMBER:My Husband had run off with one of my Staff and a so-called good friend and had an Affair.Saves me right for employing a woman who was more attractive than me. A single parent who was confident and used to make fun of me I only have my self to blame!

JANUARY:16 weeks after my Brother died my Father had collapsed in the Car Park of Leeds Playhouse and died of a Heart attack.

JANUARY:I took my husband back like a fool and he pleaded with me to forgive him I couldn’t manage to make love to him for three months then when I did he’d given me a venereal disease He had been cheating on me for years with lots of women If I didn't laugh I'd cry

NOVEMBER: I had not long since divorced my husband and he told me he didn’t want any money from the sale of our house. He told me he would walk away. I trusted Him and only 9 months later to start legal proceedings to take everything I had financially. He was even trying to take my home. I guess the guilty conscious and the remorse had gone by 9 months?

JULY: I WAS CUT DOWN FROM A TREE

How was I saved? My own fault really I was sat in the damp cold woods and phoned my son who had been abused I told him I was sorry I hadn’t protected him I was sorry I hadn’t run away with him and left my husband and saved him.

I was sorry for everything and I loved him but I couldn’t live with my self any more.He was pleading with me on the phone to tell him where I was I didn’t tell him I wouldn’t tell him then I made a big mistake I told him I was with his Uncle Nicholas and I would be ok. That was my down fall he must have remembered that I had told him I had been up to the Chevin with his Nana and sprinkled his ashes up there. I put the phone down.

My Son saved me he must have rung the Police and told them I was missing and in the Woods and trying to kill my self. Within a couple of minutes he had rung me back and was saying please mum don’t do this please. The guilt was consuming me that I should have stopped what had happened to him but I had been fighting a battle I had been to the police prior to his abduction and they had told me grooming wasn’t illegal and unless my son went to the police and said this man is abusing me they couldn’t help me.

I should have used my gut instinct and done anything to protect him. I’m so sorry my child! I should have walked away from my bad marriage and my other children they would have been looked after by my husband I should have I should have those words ring in my head every day now

My leap into the unknown was bundled now I was sat in the woods on the mobile phone to my son when I heard the police helicopter overhead he told me He had rung the police I dropped the phone to the floor as I saw a police man entering the woods from the top of the hill I ran to the noose and put my head threw it I ran backwards then took a giant leap onto the rock where I knew my feet would be above the ground and I would hang that’s when the pitch black came the calm the feeling that all the pain was gone and I would be punished for not protecting my child.

I’m still here apparently that policeman ran for his life and held me up in the air by my legs shouting and screaming for help until he had assistance to cut me down.

If I look back on this day and say would I do it all again? The answer is NO but do I wish that policeman hadn’t got to me in time the answer is YES.
I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital, which I will save for another night

I also had a wonderful red necklace for about a month and a sore throat but I’m still here. I have been to the darkest part of death and come out of it alive thanks to my baby my child my son Those paedophiles who took my son took away his innocence, His Life, My Life, My Business, What was left of my Failing Marriage, All my Money and ME.