MY CHILDHOOD

Ani DiFranco - Falling Is Like This (BSG Vid)

[via FoxyTunes / Ani DiFranco]

Not much sleep again last night maybe two hours I don't know how my son is coping with it I'm just numb and can't seem to get motivated to do anything. Where do I start at the beginning should I be afraid when telling the truth of offending anyone? To be honest I don't care any more my life has just been one long hurt and If I didn't have my children and my dogs it would be so easy to end this pain and hurt. I am ashamed of my family, but you can't choose your family they are the only ones you get so make do.

I was born in Leeds in 1962 my mother was aged 16 when she had me. Here I can only tell hear say from my mother she was the middle child of three nana was quiet strict with her children all I remember is mum said she had a terrible childhood but never spoke of it much. I used to see photos of my great grandparents who had a farm and must have been quiet wealthy I think my Nanna was outcast because we never seemed to meet any of my relatives when I was young.

Mum only spoke to me once of my grandfather and that was when my nana was young on the farm. She told me it was a pig farm, which I somehow guessed old pictures in my Nannas house of a couple stood in a pig pen and the man holding a big staff. During the war second world war of course. There was an Italian prisoner of war camp near by and the story goes my Nanna caught a soldier who was supposed to be guarding the prisoners, stealing eggs one day. One thing led to another over time and mum was born. I remember her saying the soldier was from down south near London and was married with a family so that was the end of that conversation. Mum never met her father and I'm not sure if she ever did?

She never mentioned her own father to me again, I just remember her telling me about her younger sisters father. My aunty Sheila father was supposed to have sexually abused my mother from an early age and was sent to prison for his sins even back then or maybe he wasn't?

My family never really tell the truth and keep many secrets in the closet. Should I get angry or is this like any other family I get confused over what is true and what is not. My problems occur because I am not like my family I am the odd one out always have been. Because I tell the truth as I see it. I hate liars and everything is black and white and I don't like grey areas or fuzzy bits. I am a problem solver and probably like my self to a pit-bull terrier once I need to know something or something or someone has vexed me. I always remember my mum saying to me as a child your tongue will be the deaths of you keep it shut.

Its strange I don't remember anything about being a baby I don't remember where I lived or where I even started school. I get upset sometimes because most adults remember their first day at school whether it be a happy or unhappy experience I don't.

The story goes mum was 16 and it was 1962 the time of teddy boys Rock and Roll and she used to go dancing in Armley It was a swimming baths and they used to have a dance floor. It was there she met my father pictures I have of him with the Teddy boy's haircut that looked like it was covered in chip fat. Mum told me once it wasn't even my father she fancied it was his mate and his mate wasn't interested my father was obsessed with her and asked if she would like to come to his brothers wedding as a first date. My mum agreed and she told me it was my Aunty Olive and Uncle Keith's wedding he was supposed to have got her drunk on Cherry Bs and while she was unconscious had his wicked way with her on my Grandmas sofa. That's how I was supposed to have been conceived. I remember my Nanna used to call me the Cherry B baby. So it was a so-called Shot Gun wedding.

I was born in my Nannas bed the 17^th of September 1962 I know that for a fact I think mum had left my dad on many occasions don't think she knew he had an alcohol problem when she met him. Two and a half years later my mum was carrying my sister and no long after she was divorced I have a copy of the divorce papers it's a bit battered and worn now.

It says Matrimonial Order in the City of Leeds. It says The Defendant my dad that is has been guilty of persisting cruelty to his said wife. The date on the divorce paper states 27^th of July 1965 so I know from the date my sister must have been only three months old and I must have been three when this happened.

I don't have any childhood memories and the ones of being small are blurred. One of my first memories is I was sent to a lot of foster homes and me and my sister used to go to a place called Silverdale this was run by a charity in Leeds where they sent children who's mums couldn't cope and needed a break. I remember mum used to go what u call converless at the coast quiet often

I remember a foster family I spent time with in Leeds I could even take you to where it was a maisonette just up from Wortley where the wool shop used to be on the corner you followed the road down to a row of maisonettes on the right hand side. I remember smashing my head open on the jungle gym at Silverdale holiday camp that's strange! The next memories I have are living in Kirkstall Road with my step dad rod mum had remarried and had been pregnant with my second sister when she met this man fell in Love and married. Again I don't remember much of the beginning of that I can even remember my sister being born or what we did as a family. Mum says we lived in Quarry Hill Flats when I was younger you know the place that's now the social security building I remember Diana Dors used to do a show that was based on those flats but I can even remember ever being there if I was happy or what it was like.

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